mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
