My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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