so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
