I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
