Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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