Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
