I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
