Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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