Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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