y did u give ur computer a hand job?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
