Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
