She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
