a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
is wine microwaveable?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
