If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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