so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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