So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
