Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
