god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
