I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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