Umm I'm too high to move.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
