haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
