I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
