I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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