So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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