I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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