Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
