Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
