I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
