my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
