If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
