I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
