just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Even the bartender felt bad for me
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I think I just sharted jello shots
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