I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
