I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
