i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
