Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
