Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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