what day is it and did you see me today?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We just shotgunned beers for America
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
