The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
