I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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