Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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