That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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