he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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