$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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