my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
