This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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