watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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