We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
