I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
