If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
