Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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