If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
