this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
