what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
