It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
