just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
