Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
