Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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